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Even though her eyesight is bad and she has dry eyes and she gets attacks where she starts blinking very fast. Her hearing is bad sometimes; I have to speak very loud. She can’t hear the TV and she says something wrong with the TV. She takes 3 different blood pressure meds because she has hypertension, high blood sugar and heart meds. She had a huge lung cancer surgery 2 months ago. After the surgery she had internal bleeding and they opened her up again to see where the bleeding is from. She walks slowly and her reflexes are extremely slow. I have offered to drive her anywhere she likes and pick her up anytime but she wants to drive. Her oncologist mentioned that she might have dementia but her regular doctor says she is depressed and she lacks “concentration". When I mentioned driving he abruptly cut me off and he said that is not important right now. And just left. How is that not important? I don’t know what to do. Should I just let her drive? But she also is on so many meds that make her drowsy. She thinks just because she can do stuff around the house she is ok to drive. What is the big deal about driving and seniors wanting to drive until something catastrophic happens? I wish I had someone driving me around so I didn’t have to drive.

我从一个非常令人不快的邻居中学到了这一点,但它可能对你来说更为积极。锋利的钉子和支撑在轮胎旁边,使汽车开始时刺破。爆胎!你无法修复它!撒上几个钉子周围的迷彩地区(困难的邻居撒上几千个,我们在铅上使用了一块大磁铁来挑选它们)。然后再做一次。它也将成为一个非常陈旧的问题,以及让她离开路面,当她离开轮子和轮胎固定时。责备你比去除引线更难。
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回复MargaretMcken.
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NeedHelpWithMom 2020年12月3日
And what if there are cameras of her doing this?

这是一个解决方案,但我不会尝试。
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My mother-in-law and father-in-law were driving to the library on a beautiful weekend morning. There was very little traffic, except for my in-laws' car and the car that crossed over the center lane of traffic and ran into them head on. The driver was elderly and we were later told he had a lot of health problems, and was on a lot of medication.

My father-in-law was badly injured. My mother-in-law was killed.

我们很幸运,年后当我父亲in-law no longer felt that he could safely drive, on his own he turned over his car keys to my husband. That was the best possible scenario because that saved my husband from having to have "the car keys talk" with him. From then on he either took a taxi to where he needed to go, or we drove him.

I know that your situation is a difficult one, and you obviously aren't doing it just because your mom has gotten older. You're doing it because she's no longer a safe driver, and because you love her.

It might help you to know that many church groups have volunteers who take members and even non-members to their appointments, to the store, etc.

In my area, there is an organization called Seniors First that was wonderful. They pick up seniors in a large van at their homes, and bring them to "happenings" and lunches and games a few times a week at the local Senior Recreation facility. It was awesome and my aunt, who lived on her own, was on that bus at least twice a week. (I think the socialization helped her live to nearly 102 years old.)

Best wishes and good luck to you.

三明一体
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Needhelp2021 2020年12月3日
Thank you so much for all your help and concern. I appreciate it so much.
My mother is angry because she wants to drive herself not because she doesn’t have a ride. I have offered her that I would drive anywhere she wants and will pick her up but that is not enough for her. And she thinks I am being unreasonable and she is just fine, because she can walk and do things on her own.
She asks me: have I fallen down before ? Did I have an accident?? Drives me up the wall.
Like any other elderly I have seen she refuses to acknowledge that she is not fit to drive. Even before her surgery I was afraid of sitting next to her while driving and now it’s worse.
She thinks she can sit behind the wheel and She can turn the steering wheel. And that’s driving in her mind.
I asked her if she wants to go shopping this morning. First she said ok. And when I was ready to go she said she doesn’t feel like it and was pouting.
I told her I want to leave and be on my own. She has backed down for now but I know my mother she won’t give up.
我需要离开,因为这让我们以消极的方式影响我。
If anything happens I have to go and fix things. If anything happens to her I have to do it all. It’s like dealing with a kid but in this case she is an adult.
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那是什么样的医生。我会改变医生。我会让我的母亲听到医生在说什么。我会用医生注意到DMV。让DMV写一封信尽快让妈妈读它。拿着钥匙并带她需要去的地方,或支付可能需要花时间了解她正在进行的东西的司机成熟的人。年轻的PPL没有时间和能量。为了清楚起见,把她带到一个或几个会议的治疗师。为她找到一个好朋友。祈祷,在那里妈妈。 by the way when my mom got sick. i found out from her that she was driving all over the road, messed up her car crashing over the side walk. God was with her. its time to take the keys but she will feel like she's no longer in control. just communicate effectively to her.
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Reply to Candyapple
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This lady shouldn’t be driving but this is one of the toughest elder issues. How you go about ending the driving can depend on the particulars of you situation and your mothers mental competence.

With my dad his car “Broke Down” and had to be towed to the shop and they had to order parts etc. My dad had little short term memory at this point so I was able to continue the fib for a few days until he went into assisted living.

Its better to get the car out of sight, out of mind.

Disable the car by having someone simply pull the starter relay out of the fuse box. When it’s time to move it just plug it back in and go. Don’t mess with plug wires or letting air out of tires. Not as easy as you would think.

它仍然是我爸爸的战斗。他有长期的记忆,并在几周内咆哮着疯狂地对他的车。最终会消退,但他正在寻找他的车,直到他去世。

这必须完成。祝你好运。
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Reply to Windyridge
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如果你有一个想知道妈妈是否应该驾驶,请走上你的邻居。注意有多少孩子出来了,玩耍..很多人都在街上走过街道..etc等。

How much are those LIVES worth if mom hits the gas instead of the brakes???

Mom's car had dents and bumps on every single quarter panel. No backup lights, usually only one headlight. She was driving and looking between the top of the steering wheel and the dashboard. Completely clueless.

YB disconnected the battery and put a 'club' on the steering wheel. Said she had to take the driving test He'd put her through before he's allow her out of the neighborhood. She couldn't even get the rearview mirror adjusted.

IF you can get mom to adapt, I have found Uber to be wonderful for runs to the airport and even just errands for ME when I have had a car in the shop or was going in for chemo.

I dread taking DH's driving privileges away and that's going to happen one day. I guess he'll stay home, b/c he refuses to let me drive him anywhere!
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Reply to Midkid58
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令人遗憾的是,医生对你的妈妈感情,并没有担心一个望着她母亲的安全和道路上的女儿的女儿。

This doctor is showing very poor judgment or should I not pull any punches and say that he lacks common sense!
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Reply to NeedHelpWithMom
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需要帮忙,

以下是申诉可以向医生提起的,谁是Medicare提供者的医生:

https://www.medicare.gov/claims-appeals/how-to-file-a-complaint-grievance

这是令人震惊的是你母亲的医生是多么粗鲁,像驾驶问题一样肆无忌惮!真是个混蛋!!

你在哪个州?您可能会通过DMV获得更快的结果。您还可以访问她的视觉记录吗?

还有一件事,你知道为什么你妈妈的肿瘤科医生认为她可能有痴呆症?肿瘤科医生是否在妈妈关于痴呆症的记录中记录了任何内容?
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Reply to ExhaustedPiper
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Needhelp2021 2020年12月3日
我问她的肿瘤科医生关于她的癌症,他说你的妈妈有这么多其他问题,其中一个是痴呆症。他还说他不是这种疾病的专家,但他看到了迹象。
o also mentioned the driving and he said I should speak to her family doctor. And we all know how that turned out.
我们在加利福尼亚州。我不确定肿瘤科医生是否记录了这一点。我感觉不舒服处理这种情况。
Thank you for all the help.
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Oh boy do I feel your pain on this one!! I've just been through a MASSIVE ordeal with my mom and the driving, and this has been going on for close to two years!

It took my mom getting a DUI to get her off the road, because her license was suspended. It's a looong story involving two states that I'll spare you but what made it even more complicated is that my mom also managed to convince a couple "professionals" that she was good to drive (meanwhile diagnosed with dementia in early 2019) including the DUI lawyer. When that case is fully resolved I plan to report that lawyer to the bar.

所以对你的案子 - 我会叫你母亲的医生并告诉他你会向国家医疗委员会报告他并使他责备如果有任何事情,尽管你在这里列出了所有问题。和你的声乐问题。责任这个词应该引起他的注意。看看是否从混蛋中升起。事实上,我实际上会提起投诉。

Also you can contact the DMV yourself and report her as an unsafe driver, and they can require her to be evaluated by a senior driving specialist.

In the meantime, depending on your mom's personality you may have to wait until the DMV takes action and requires the senior driving test, which is so stressful because it feels like a crisis waiting to happen. Prior to my mom getting a DUI suspension, I couldn't disable the car or anything like that because she threatened to call the cops on me if I "touched her car".

祝你好运。My patience has run out for seniors who still insist on driving when they are clearly not safe on the road. Their "independence" versus killing someone, well I'm OVER their "independence".
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Reply to ExhaustedPiper
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Needhelp2021 Dec 2, 2020
Thank you for the info. I was wondering if I could file a complaint about the doctor.
Calling the office is useless because he never comes to the phone and if you leave a message for him to call back he doesn’t.
我不得不去办公室等待1小时,直到他进来11左右。他对我来说是如此粗鲁,我甚至没有完成我的话,我必须问他关于痴呆症,一旦我说我的妈妈想要开车.....他通过握着我的脸,说这不是重要的,现在我会稍后谈谈。
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Needhelp2021.....when your mother starts in on all her requests(go to this store for this, another store for something else, just say no. There is a saying on the forum you may not have heard just yet.....
No is a complete sentence!! Sounds like you are doing the best you can about the car....and the nerve of her dr!!!! What is his dang problem??? Hang in there, read the book Boundaries by Thompson ( i think). Should help you. Also google FOG (fear,obligation, guilt). That will help as well. Big hugs to you. Liz
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Reply to cherokeegrrl54
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Pull a couple of spark plug wires from her car, so it won't run when she tries to drive it. That way it isn't because you told her not to drive, it's because the car's not running properly. Sometimes deflecting the blame to an inanimate object works better.
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Reply to MJ1929
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Needhelp2021 Dec 1, 2020
She is old and sick but she is not stupid . Do you really think after all the drama about her not driving if she turns on the car and it’s not running she will give up or she will not know it was me?
besides she will call someone or a mechanic to fix it.
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对我来说听起来就像是时候让你的母亲获得一名新医生。立即地。这是不可想象的,他称她与她的驾驶谈论你的担忧!如果是我,我会生动。如果他尚未管理适当的认知考试,他会如何知道她是否有或没有完整的痴呆症似乎她的医生有一个自我,这比他的大脑更大。'缺乏浓度'是没有开车的理由。一个无法集中注意力的人不会意识到有一个红灯才能停下来,或者进入人行横道的人或进入人行横道的人,或者停止签名........或者或者!

Your mother should certainly NOT be driving, for the numerous reasons mentioned in your post. If it were me, I'd hide her keys and offer to drive her if she needs to go somewhere. Who cares about the 'license' itself; it's just a piece of laminated paper. YOU have the power to keep her from driving by disabling the car if necessary so you're not rushing off to the hospital to see her in the ER after a horrible accident. If that makes you The Bad Daughter, so be it. It also makes her the Mother Who's Still Alive and/or Not Killing Others on the Road!

The elders want to keep driving, even when they know darn well they are no longer capable of it, because it's their last vestige of freedom & independence. Once they give that up, they may as well be dead, in their minds.

我建议你将你的妈妈送到神经病学者或至少到一个可以管理MOCA认知测试的新型PCP,以了解她在痴呆症谱的地方。答案得到得分,她在规模上获得了评级,所以你会知道你在处理什么,一次和所有人。也许她根本没有痴呆............但这仍然不是意味着她应该开车!她的视力问题是太危险。

祝你有艰难的局面好运;我对你所经历的所有人的哀悼。我知道,这并不容易。
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回复Lealonnie1.
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Needhelp2021 Dec 1, 2020
He called her and he is asking her if she is ok and if she can do things like she did before. Of course my mom is going to answer everything is fine and I am fine and nothing is wrong with me.
I have been hiding the keys but everyday she makes an argument and no matter how many times I explain she does not understand.
She Gets mad and stops talking and this goes on and on.
As for taking her to another doctor or specialist she won’t come. She says she is fine.
This Doctor is rude and unethical. I can not make her do something she doesn’t want to.
All I can do is remove myself from this situation. I should have done it long time ago.
When she needs me like after surgery recovery or other things she becomes a different person.
当她从肺癌手术回家时钩在氧气管上,她不能走几英尺,我是她唯一一个在那里的人,我的其他兄弟姐妹都没有看到她或帮助这事实。她告诉我:如果你不是在这里或者你住在遥远的地方,他们会把我放在家里。现在她忘记了她忘记了一点,并认为她是18岁,除了购物之外,她正在自己做一切。在她的乳腺癌手术和结肠癌和子宫切除术后,我在那里。医生应用程序,账单,洗衣,购物......
It is hurtful but it’s OK. The day will come that she will need me again but this time I am not going to be here.
She thinks she can do everything on her own? Than let her do it from now on.
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My brother drove until, yes, a catastrophe happened. He lay there bleeding in the arms of his neighbor saying "I knew something was wrong". I was in another city, had no idea. I was the beginning of his diagnosis, and he and I both ended so happy that no one ELSE was injured or killed. I fear this is how it so often happens. When does your mother renew her license. She may be caught out with testing. Until then, with no diagnosis, I am afraid you are helpless, as is anyone else in her path, and your poor Mom herself.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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Needhelp2021 Dec 1, 2020
I can not believe this. The doctor called my mom and told her about my conversation of her driving. Unbelievable
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Of course not!

She absolutely, most definitely should not be on the road to endanger others and herself.
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Needhelp2021 Dec 1, 2020
I am still shocked . The stupid doctor called her told her about what I told him about her driving. Now she knows I spoke to her doctor about that.
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