First, I am so thankful to have found this forum. It has been so helpful just over the last few days. Even still, I have been struggling with caregiving in my mid-thirties. Mom is 78, has fallen a few times and has had some form of disability since the late 1980s. Issues range from post car accident back injury to nerve damage from a fall about three years ago.

Because mom has experienced challenges all thirty plus years of my life, I have been helping out (as an only child/no other in home support) for a while. Not an issue, but taking care of mom has always been the reality.


Because of this, I took more of a backseat trusting that she would get better. Three years later, she has gotten somewhat better physically, drives, gets around, but is more combative and uncooperative. Using a walker and/or cane to aid with walking, she will complain about physical therapy, tell the therapist what she will and will not do (even if the exercises are to increase mobility), has singled out and essentially ran a therapist off the job (out of that location anyway) and at times has become verbally abusive - demeaning even to people helping her at the grocery store.

Just the other day she refused to allow me to go in the grocery store and get what she wanted, ordered an electric cart and told the young man bringing the cart to her that he was weak.


I love and want the best for my mother, live about 7 hours away by drive (1hr or so by plane) and have been going back and forth for three years. Mainly due to employment opportunities being better in a metro city versus the smaller town she lives in. Even though I factored these things in, I blow through PTO, personal days, sick days, leaves of absence etc like water. I would say 90 percent of time taken off goes to her. Each visit consists of a medical appointment, maintenance of the house, car, cleaning, vet visits for the dog etc, but they are limited because of work. Gladly being done, but crammed into the amount of time that can be taken off.

Because I took more of a seat over the last three years, not taking complete control over everything, I feel guilty. Guilty for living my life, taking that job, traveling etc... even though I travel to her monthly or at an interval of every 4-6 weeks. When not with her, I worry and sometimes pace thinking about what she is doing or what I need to do next? At the same time, maintaining some space gives her room to be independent (which she wants) and gives me room to recharge and go back.


Today I am struggling with whether I should move in with mom, move nearby (within 30 minutes drive) or keep communiting between cities until that no longer "works"? Should I move? Is now the right time to move or should I wait? If I move will she improve enough to where she doesn't use the walker or cane? Will a constant presence make her push to get better and accept additional treatment? Am I being selfish? Will she maybe consider making adjustments for the future or is this wishful thinking? Something has to be done, but is moving in the right thing to do?

Thank you in advance.

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You’ve been wonderful to your mother. But this isn’t sustainable, you’ll put your employment in jeopardy trying to keep this up, and eventually your health. Not all of your time off should be going to help your mom. There are valid reasons the others helping her eventually back away. It’s likely that “happy” is over for your mom, that’s sad, but it’s not on you to attempt to fix, and it won’t work anyway. Mom needs to see her need for help from sources other than you, and she won’t see it if you keep running for each need that arises. She definitely needs to adjust for the future and you most certainly aren’t selfish
乐于助人Answer (1)

留在你身边,也没有她和你住在一起。您需要您的家庭和安全的空间来暂停。在您了解更多内,找不到仓促决定,找出选择,然后从那里去。她会炸毁。听起来像是她炸毁了每个人。我发现了Alzheimer的关联非常有用 - 开放24/7。大师级别临床医生帮助我创建了一个行动计划 - 首先做什么。然后后来帮助我处理发生的事情以及我如何感受/处理它。看起来她似乎并不是思想。获得诊断也会有所帮助。 Don’t go alone on this journey. Power of attorney or guardianship may be necessary sooner than later. An elder care attorney can be of enormous help. When these crises occur it can be easy to default to think only of the person but not yourself. But if you don’t take care of yourself your ability to help her will be diminished.
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Reply to katepaints


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Reply to NeedHelpWithMom

The elderly feel frustrated with their limitations, and so they act out and rebel. Plus, if you are with her, she might make you do more than needed. "Can you get me that thing over there", instead of doing it herself.
If you want to live close by, that might work. But I don't think moving in will improve things much, and will probably aggravate things.

Maybe she can get an alert device, so you have more peace of mind.
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Reply to Lvnsm1826

I can understand your concern for your mom. I moved my mom in with me a bit prematurely, after a mild stroke 3 yrs ago. I work full-time in a high pressure job also. Last year she was diagnosed with dimentia. I love her and feel it's my responsibility to be here for her. However, it has come at quite a price, personally. I've lost myself and life as I know it in the process. There are lots of joyful moments...but the stress level and care needed can become quite overwhelming. It has been a long 3 years and I pray for strength daily. I cry, I pray, I lash out at times when she doesn't deserve it. I don't have the heart to send her to a nursing home but just know once youove in together every single thing in your life will change. It's a personal decision obviously...good luck
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Reply to Altc7435

Don’t do it.....I have a very similar situation being an only child left to care for my and moved her in with my family several years ago after her last auto accident. It wasn’t bad in the beginning but have gotten 100X worse over the years to the point we are considering what options we have left. Of course this COVID doesn’t help the situation and her Drs are not helpful so I’ve had to take issues into my own hands.
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Reply to Maine127

另一项投票给“否:不要移动”和“不:不要与她一起进入”。我也是一个父母的独生子女,他们基本上跟着我搬到我搬家的地方。你的母亲是一个成年人,让她的一生都思考她如何规划和管理她的高年并退出。她不应该“假设”你是她的计划。我希望在这一点上你不是被依赖的。我也希望她成为她持久的POA。如果不是,她不会这样做,那么你肯定需要放弃她的关怀。你不必放手关心她。但你只能做什么是可竭的东西。她听起来像是已经认知下滑。 I would have a gentle, but honest conversation with her about what she plans on doing as things become more difficult for her. Make sure she understands that you are not the plan. I wish you courage, wisdom and peace in your heart as you work through this.
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Lealonnie1. Nov 28, 2020
啊,在我的大家庭里流传着一个笑话……。。。'where are you going to move next, Sweden?' My folks followed me all around the country; wherever I moved, they moved. My mother is now just under 94 and still living 4 miles away from me, her only child. It's a lot; but at least I never had her living WITH me, thankfully.
nextcare, it sounds like your Mom isn't a happy camper when it comes to aging, so she is taking it out on people.

她有权格勒乌mpy. No longer can she just hop into her car to visit friends.... usually those friends might have moved or passed on. As you mentioned she has her fair share of aches and pains. As we age, food doesn't taste as good as it use to..... our hearing is starting to fade.... we can't read the small print on anything. Taking a bath/shower is like going to the gym, exhausting afterwards.

My sig-other and I are in our mid-70's but we try to find humor in things we can't do. But not everyone has that funny gene.

When my Dad got tired of his house and the cost of caregivers helping him, he was delighted to find how nice it was living in an Independent Living facility. He enjoyed his 2 bedroom apartment. He felt so good being around people of his own generation. He said he felt like a King being he had weekly housekeeping and weekly linen service, plus menu meals in the restaurant style dining room. It was well worth the cost :) Then later he moved within the facility to assisted living/memory care. It worked out beautifully.

Back when both my parents [in their 90's] needed more help, my Dad wanted me to resign from my career to give me more time. I asked Dad if he resigned from his job to move out to be with his parents or my Mom's parents. I knew he would say "no", and he understood, never to ask me again. I was their only child.

I just couldn't leave a career that I had worked so hard to create, breaking that glass ceiling. I would not only give up a salary, but matching 401(k), company paid health insurance, company paid life insurance, paid sick and vacation leave, and with some companies stock bonuses, etc.

乐于助人Answer (3)

I would not move; in with your mom or to her town. It's not selfish, either, it's called You Live YOUR Life & She Lives Her Life. If you think she's difficult now, she's only going to get MORE difficult as time goes on. Just read the boards here and you will see what I mean. Bad behavior never improves, neither does nasty talk to others, demeaning them or running people off; it only worsens. Trust me on that.

You need a plan. Your mother is a person who is GOING to need a lot more care as she ages. She has proven that to you over time, and you have rushed to her side for your entire life. What happens when she needs more help than you can give her? You quit your job to be her full time care giver, moving in with her to take the abuse yourself, and give up your life entirely in the process? You have to think about this NOW!


I am an only child who grew up with my grandmother living in our house. It wasn't a good scene, to say the least. I vowed to never take in an elder, or to move into their home, and I made that fact known to my parents long ago. When my mother 'jokingly' (not) said for the cost of Assisted Living, they'd move in with ME and pay ME rent, I gave that idea two thumbs down immediately and let them know, in no uncertain terms, that I love you mom & dad, but we won't be living together again. No shame or harm in that, either. It's just called me recognizing my limitations and drawing my boundaries.

I had my parents placed in Assisted Living in 2014 after they lived in an Independent Living apartment for 3 years (they moved to CO to be closer to me after dad stopped driving.) I had no other choice, really, b/c the Rehab would not release dad back to living independently. It was a crisis situation we found ourselves in, so the choice was made FOR us. Dad passed in 2015 and my nearly 94 y/o mother is still in the same AL, but in the Memory Care bldg now. She has her life, I have mine. I still do a ton for her, it's just from my own home.

If you move in with your mother, you give up YOUR life in the process. If that's okay with you, then go for it. But I've been around this forum for about 6 years now, and I can tell you that it rarely works out. It does rare cases where the elder is sweet and loving and not a burden. And even THEN it's tricky. The best thing is to keep your mom living independently as long as possible, and then segue into managed care when the time is right. The key is that she has GOT to know beforehand that it's not going to be an option to live with you.

Wishing you the best of luck making a difficult decision.
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